mamajones

visits

prodigal daughter (sister)
returns with her bright soul food
goodbye stings your heart.

Lots of visitors this past week.  My mom was here for a week and helped us paint our front porch, bathroom and front door. Then two unexpected visits- one from J's oldest (of five) sisters who drove all the way from Las Vegas bringing her two youngest of 6 along for the journey.  It was a whirlwind tour as they had to turn around and leave only two days after they arrived, but it was so comforting to see them after two years.  Tears of wishing they were closer were shed by many of us.  We love you S and wish you, B, and A a safe trip home. I also was happy to get home from a friend's 30th birthday party on Saturday to be surprised by one of my bestest friend's in the whole world and her boyfriend bringing sushi all the way from boston (actually they picked the sushi up locally).
But alas....everyone has now departed and things are slowly getting back to "normal" around here.  Maybe some park time tomorrow for the 'lets.  Here is another visitor that was here and is now departed- our purple rhodedendrons.  I wish the spring colors weren't so fleeting, at least they come in spurts.

Birthdays

Joyboy's first birthday started today at 3:30am with a friend in labor who dropped off her sleepy three year old for us to watch over while her new sister was being brought into the world. 

So much of the bright sun today brought me back to the beauty of last year's birth of my son.  From the birds of prey overhead as we drove, the fear and tears and the holding love from my man, my literal catching of my son in my own hands in water, and lastly- the most amazing sibling love and growth of a family in spring time that I could ever be blessed to imagine.

I think all of the energy created in the women's circle I lead last night on mothering must have manifested into life's yearning for itself, for the newest little one to join our circle of friends is here (a few more coming soon). 

This one is for I.H. who now shares a lovely birthday with joyboy- not quite mother's day baby like he was, but 'a mother's day' nonetheless.

Song fo Bringing a Child into the World

You day-sun, circling around,
You daylight, circling around,
You night-sun, circling around,
You poor body, circling around,
You wrinkled age, circling around,
You spotted gray, circling around,
You wrinkled skin, circling around.

Anonymous
Seminole, USA

Going now to rest my spinnin' and exhausted head next to my amazingly sweet one year old talkin' joyboyna .

Mama post # 3

The Conceiving

Now you are in the ark of my blood
in the river of my bones
in the woodland of my muscles
in the ligaments of my hair
in the smear of my shadow
in the armada of my brain
under the stars of my skull
in the arms of my womb
Now you are here
you worker in the gold of flesh

-Penelope Shuttle

and just for the heck of it- a cold winter sky.  have a lovely weekend loving your mother (in memories, flesh, and earth).

Medicine and 2nd installment of mama's week

Got a Buddhism fix tonight.  Need to persevere with effort on concentration.  Many thanks to M and S for all the prostrations and prayers to Medicine Buddha for my family and I- I had no idea that was why I was seeing blue during meditation- I'm astounded!!!!

To love and have compassion for even the smallest, most plagueing creatures. Even the gypsy moth caterpillars as they attack our beautiful trees.

Hey, Ani said it well.  We are all just trying to evolve, right?

Tonight's mama's poem comes from Luci Tapahonso- a woman poet born in the same year as my mother.  She has two daughters and this poem is clearly about their births. 

A Breeze Swept Through

The first born of dawn woman
slid out amid crimson fluid streaked with stratus clouds
her body glistening August sunset pink
light steam rising from her like rain on warm
rocks
(A sudden cool breeze swept through
the kitchen and grandpa smiled then sang
quietly knowing the moment.)
She came when the desert day cooled
and dusk began to move in
in that intricate changing of time
she gasped and it flows from her now
with every breath     with every breath
she travels now
sharing scarlet sunsets
named for wild desert flowers
her smile a blessing song.

And in mid-November
early morning darkness
after days of waiting pain
the second one cried         wailing
sucking first earth breath
separating the heavy fog
she cried and kicked      tiny brown limbs
fierce movements as outside
the mist lifted as
the sun is born again.
(East of Acoma, a sandstone boulder
split in two--a sharp, clean crack.)
She is born of damp mist and early sun.
She is born again        woman of dawn.
She is born knowing the warm smoothness of rock.
She is born knowing her own morning strength.

Blessings to all the little ones who transform our hearts if we are able to keep opening them wide enough.

"Yes, Mother.  I can see that you are flawed.  You have not hidden it.  That is your greatest gift to me." -Alice Walker

"My children cause me the most exquisite suffering of which I have any experience.  It is the suffering of ambivalence: the murderous alternation between bitter resentment and raw-edged nerves, and blissful gratification and tenderness."  -Adrienne Rich

    Though these are not really poems, they are from two of my favorite poets and starting off "mothering" week with these two help to drive home the cold and hard and equally beautiful truth that mothering incites anger, old in new in the best of us. It brings us back to childhood wounds unhealed and breathes fire into crevasses in our hearts we weren't completely sure existed.  If we can harness it and learn from it, the embers contribute to our own great star-shine. But ,there are more pitfalls than there are pit bulls in this begrudging little town (and that's to say there are a lot, all you locals know exactly what I mean.)
    The pretty pictures I post and relatively cheery accounts of the day leave mostly uncovered the whole picture.  Obviously. This is a blog, editing occurs.  Pain dear friends is unavoidable, so I dare not avoid it here or the blogging gods won't smile upon my sorry ass.  And I need all the smiles I can get, even from them. Stay strong as you search for your own beautiful rewards in all of it.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but here's one from courageous lil' me for you to dissect. A bit angry and Nuyorican, no ?

The vision of standing on top of my mother's shoulders with her on top of her's like in the Women Running with Wolves is like a pyramid of rock hard heart crushed gravity.
Ancestors play tricks and samsara's a bitch.
Circle Spirituality stings. And roundness- whether you're
Puking, popped out or just plain pitifully pregnant
with the death of dreams
Seems pointless. 
When on your tenth cycle of an anger lesson you never learned.
Blistered bliss. Insipid tongue slips.
vapid requests tethered to your heart in
incongruent messy little fucking knots you know you have to untie
truth. 
Golden headed girl standing in the kitchen
in front of not yet walking brother in new shoes
"he looks like a puppet on a string"
Tap. tap. tap.
your pretty pup-petty feet mama? Dance with your mother-fucking words, mama? 
Or, Stand up and shout "stop grasping" while "you" are grasping for the hand or maybe
just even the big toe of Buddha.

Suspended

Pink Dogwood. My grandfather planted a tree for each of his twelve grandchildren.  Mine was the pink dogwood.  The beauty that every other cousin wished for herself.  How proud I was of that tree. He's been gone now four years; property sold.  Every spring the tender memory jerked.  I am reminded of the quote from the Zora Neale Hurston story Dust Tracks on a Road, "There is no agony like bearing an untold story." The pink dogwood is a piercing symbol in mine.

I am going to leave you with a few more pics from today's adventures.  Tomorrow will be the start of a week's worth of posts with poems with the mama"ing" theme from some of my faves to commemorate my mother's day joyboy turning ONE a week from today (I'm sure there will be at least one from me thrown in as well.) I also have to get pumped up for leading women's circle on Monday with the topic of "Mothering" and, a visit from my own mama to boot!!! She's coming all the way from TX just in time for mama's day.

Bird Brain

We saw the strangest thing from Twirlin's bedroom window today (last night was the first night she slept in there all alone BTW).  A blue jay dropped from a tree in our neighbor's yard, then a male cardinal soon joined him, and about three inches away from them was a male robin sunning himself.  It was the strangest display of bird behavior I have ever seen.  Maybe the cardinal's nest was close by and he was just defending it from the jay, and the robin just happened to be there?  I don't know, but it was bizarre and I didn't want to forget it. 

Joyboy has been getting into everything lately- between his trips up the stairs and his new act of pushing the chairs around to get where he wants, there is no peace for Twirlin' and I.  We tried to do a little drawing and he was fluctuating between eating crayons and trying to draw only on his sister's paper (even though he was clearly given his own).  We grocery shopped, ran some other errands, did some laundry.  Performed some swinging in the backyard (though I continue to "get it wrong" by "back-handing" Twirlin?)- I didn't know that swinging could actually not be fun.  Particular chile-o-mine.  As J said tonight to bounce me back, "You are going to be Jones'n for all of this when they are 12 and want nothing to do with you."  And the scariest and saddest thing is- I know it. Precious time is slippin away.

Sorry for the boring "update" post but all of my creative endeavors seems to be on hold until this household recovers from all of it's ravished two weeks of traumas.  So much swirling around in my head that I must let go of for now.  Perhaps some spring pics tomorrow from last week (the purple azalea is already gone, but the bright pink are just about to open!)

Before I go, one "favorite thing" from today:  While walking the Ol-man there were lilacs EVERYWHERE in full bloom (I even got to draw one)- now to steal some from my friend's yard.  *Tomorrow's Adventure*

crossed fingers

Just when you think you are in the clear, the universe hands you another blow- this time to the rear-end of your van.  Yup, someone hit me from behind today, with both kids in the car.  We all seem to be alright.  I have some back and headache issues, but other than our van looking like it was in a fight and lost (from behind) haha, everything is ok.  The kids handled it great- right after it happened twirlin' just kept saying "It's ok mommy, it's ok mama, it's ok mom."  I just wanted to drop by and update you all, since I faded out last time things started to go crappy.  Just wondering what all of this is going to unfold into.  As my friend said this afternoon, " You're burning up a lot of bad karma here."- Yeah, that is if I can keep a positive mind.  Here's wishing everyone (including us) a peaceful weekend. 
Since I'm not up to uploading this week's pics:
This is what I was focusing on about a year ago.  Roundness. 

Rusty

Like an old nail.  Useless, except for being sharp and hurtful.
     The past 10 days have taken our family down a road of twists, potholes, stank roadkill, and we have incurred all the proverbial and non-proverbial bumps and bruises and scars to fill the journey's pot to the brim.  What we thought was going to be a lovely vacation spent piddling around the house with odd jobs and little day trips was nothing of the sort. The depths darkened on the foreboding day of our own Primary (Yes, Obama lost here, but keep hope alive) and things went downhill fast.
    Now, feeling quite banged up, we begin the emptying out process.  The purging of whatever mucus remains.The burning of the sheets, if you will.  Now we are breaking the petals off of flowers and washing clean the dinginess that two parents with pneumonia, two fevered, then fine, then cough- due- to- cold kids brings.
    So there you have it- a brief explanation of the hiatus.  I am not going to go into every negative detail about all the other bouts of yuckiness with which we came into contact  because we are not yet allowed (due to pneumonia and asthma) to bring out the sage in order to smudge the shit out. Plus I don't need to get started again. But, I will say that lessons have been learned.  And... with darkness always comes light.
    We have been watching a ton of The Sound of Music (over and over and over). Twirlin's rendition of Julie Andrew's "I have confidence in con-fi-dence aloooone" at least makes me laugh, even if I don't "have confidence in me."  Really, what better movie to watch when you feel like poop?  Such clear Dharma messages- all that thinking about our "favorite things" so the delusions don't get the best of us. hhmmmm.... good triumphing over evil  , believing in ourselves and our dreams all the whilst singing away our heartache. Only of course to escape into the hills of Switzerland and then into the Green Mountains of Vermont, forever. Not bad stuff.
    Just to put you on par with where I was at- I wrote, (barely legible) in the middle of the heaviness of the week, "I feel like Jo in Orchard house and Maria in the Abbey." And I did- completely stifled by putrid stagnancy.  Half of which I created with my own negative voices.  OK, maybe not half.  What a two week period for Buddhism classes to be on a break, right?  Just my luck/karma.  This is me ready to go back. "Hi, my name is Lauren, and I'm ready to have some more resonance with the divine."
No joke.
Here's twirlin' enjoying her own "resonance with the divine" before the fever hit.
Maybe I don't need class as much as I thought.  I've got my own lessons in pure joy right here. In my own backyard no less.  Go figure.